Last week a friend of mine witnessed something that angered him, and intrigued me. Not that I don't see his anger, just that I saw something I hadn't noticed before and it made me think.

To cut a long story short, he heard some colleagues discussing a gay couple, and one of the people involved made the comment that "you could tell which one was the woman". Now my friend quite rightly felt it somewhat patronising since when there are two men in a relationship there are no women. The timing was interesting since it was a good example of the innocently ignorant bigotry I blogged last week. But what really intrigued me was the person saying it. A woman.

Here's the thing, every time I've witnessed anyone make that kind of comment it's always done somewhat negatively. The inflection is that the more effeminate of the men is lesser than the more masculine partner. That being "the woman" is to be the lesser figure in the relationship. There's no implication that both partners are equal, but that one takes on a maternal role, it is a derisive comment. He is the woman, now we giggle and sneer.

I wondered if the commentator looks down on the effeminate man for digressing from the social norm, but in that case why not sneer at the masculine partner too? He is still gay and that is not exactly the norm either. This theory does have some traction however; it's not unheard of for people to assess one half of a lesbian couple as "the man" after all. But is the attitude different? In truth I've not seen or heard such comments in a few years in either direction so my recollections may be sketchy, but while the more masculine lesbian may draw a comment there seems to be some slightly different inflections, at least in some quarters. There's still a sense that the masculine partner is doing something wrong, but it's less condescending. I've seen it said in a wary manner, and even with a hint of respect. If I've seen it said negatively it's more like they have broken the law, whereas "the woman" is often said with pity, like feminine mannerisms are anything from bad fashion sense to cancer.

Which brings me back to the intrigue of the comment. A woman apparently felt that a man showing any kind of effeminate traits made him the lesser partner. Maybe she prefers a masculine man, but the comment still reveals an underlying opinion that women are lesser. The thought never needed expressing, in fact it shouldn't have been, but if she really wanted to make an observation of this gents masculinity why not stick to that? Why even mention women? She made a sleight against a gay couple it's true, but she also made it clear she believes women are inferior to men. If she has children they will grow up around a mother who believe men are superior to women. Her (presumably male) partners will be aware that she believes she is inferior. If she can't enter a relationship believing she will be her partner's equal will her partner really treat her as one? If she finds a good partner of course, but she is just as likely to find someone who will exploit it and possibly even abuse it.

Maybe she's formed this stance due to sexism around her. Perhaps her mother felt this way and it has been passed on. Perhaps it's society. But there's no need to perpetuate it further. I appreciate it is hard to shake such things once they are embedded inside you. I know all too well the demons you can carry, but I also know that you need to be aware of what you're projecting. It's not easy, but it matters. Because most people will take their hints on how to perceive and treat you from how you treat yourself, not how you ask to be treated.