I'm midway through reading Quentin Crisp's The Naked Civil Servant just now. Bizarrely picking the book up made me realise that I know of Quentin Crisp, but very little about him. Unsurprisingly I have fallen headfirst into the glory that is his writing, but more than that I have discovered a man who stuck two fingers up at the world before he had the status to do so and this more than anything reminds me what I admire in others yet find lacking in myself.

Confidence.

Now I've been told I come across as a pretty confident person. And in fact I am in a lot of ways. I know that I have a variety of skills, that I have value, that I may not fit the mould of society perfectly but I still belong. But I also know that despite being 31 I still face frequent attempts to undermine me, people trying to push me into obscurity (where I actually happily exist, but of my own accord) and prove themselves against me. This has been a large part of my life, in fact I barely know any different. Much as I would like to pretend this hasn't affected me I cannot deny that such a drip, drip, drip over the years does cause some errosion.

These days I'm an introvert. I often call myself shy out of laziness, but I'm not really, I'm just an introvert who can't be bothered debating the difference with people. I am quiet because I have learnt shame. Shame over silly things in fact. For example I find it uncomfortable to admit I watch television. In truth I know that everyone does it. I find people who make a big production of not owning a television to be pompous snobs who fail to understand that it is simply a medium like any other. I think television has produced some great works of worth, and until recent years a truly wonderful way of informing and sometimes even educating society. Can you think of iconic news images from the days when we watched newsreels in cinemas? And now move to the era of television, Kennedy, the moon landing, England's World Cup win in 1966, Maradona's Hand Of God in 1986, Obama's inaugeration, Martin Luther King, Jr's "I Have A Dream" speech, Rodney King, OJ, The World Trade Center, Charles and Diana's wedding... The list goes on and on. Current affairs delivered to the masses in glorious moving images and sound on the very day, sometimes the very second. Now we too can feel emotions of events, for better and worse it must be said, but we can.

Television is a truly great thing, yet I find it hard to admit my enjoyment of it because it is something so frequently condemned. It has destroyed family life, killed conversation, made us unfit, socially incapable, less intelligent, less cultured, you name it, television is to blame. Personally I don't believe any of it. It's no different from any other entertainment in history in any of the problems it does have, and in fact many of the things it's accused of are quite unture. I know people who engage in all kinds of sports and activities because they saw them on television and discovered them. The routine of televsions schedules means that millions of people can share a common experience at the same time to discuss the next day, whereas a play manages a couple of hundred per night. We watch television as groups and discuss what we see, sometimes we even shout at the screen in a way that is frowned upon in cinemas (well if these people will go upstairs instead of out the front door when the killer is lurking they deserve to be shouted at).

but my point is that despite my general confidence within, I find it difficult to share aspects of my life. Admitting to something as simple and as common as watching television is bizarrely difficult for me, yet in reading Crisp's autobiography I am confronted with a man who wandered the streets of London in make-up, camp and effeminate, in the twenties and thirties. Brazen confidence, on display for the world to see. Whilst I tell myself I don't act in such a manner to avoid appearing arrogant the truth is more simple; I keep my head down. I am too used to people trying to take away my glories to want to share my life these days. I am confident, I just can't be bothered letting others know about it.